(Note to the reader: This was written a month ago, but not published until now. A lot of times if I’m feeling really emotional about something I’ll write and then let whatever I wrote sit for a bit, giving myself time so it’s not so raw and seeing how things develop first. This is one of those I think can still be published as is even without a resolution, a little later than written, to give you a snapshot into some of the journey that is moving.)
Always tough to write when you’re feeling in kind of a low spot, but I’m a firm believer in keepin’ it real and sharing the whole journey rather than just the highlights. So the truth is that in moving, there are good days and bad days.
Some days I love all of the new experiences, adventures, and places to explore. On others, I have to fight the temptation to want everything to go back to the way it was.
Because here’s the thing: I know God lead us here. He wants us here for some reason, and He said it was to bless us. There’s definitely a purpose for us being here, and I need to be really careful that I don’t fall into the trap of wanting what’s behind or becoming ungrateful, because God has given us so much in many miraculous ways.
But there are some really hard days where the homesickness just aches, and I think God understands those moments, too.
To be honest, those sorts of days are more common right now than the exciting days. I know those will come, but when everything is unfamiliar to you and the only person you’ve gotten to know is the lady at the DMV… it’s a tad depressing.
It’s weird things that will trigger it, too. Things you’d never think you’d miss, or maybe that you’d never realize you’d miss.
Hardest of all has been leaving my nephew Boe behind.
I used to see him at least once a week, and until now, have been there for every major milestone. I was there when he was born, there when he took his first steps towards me from his mama, and there for his first birthday. Now that his second birthday is this month and knowing that I’ll miss it… it’s really hard.
It’s things like only being gone a few days and seeing a little boy around Boe’s age with eyes just like his in a hotel breakfast room. I had to get up and leave before somebody wondered why the girl with the haggard appearance was crying over her cereal.
Or hearing an orange juice commercial that was Boe’s favorite because of the jingle in the background and having to fight the tears that suddenly come up.
Or just normal “Whoa, it’s different,” type stuff like writing a new address on an envelope or hearing the local news and doing a double-take because it isn’t Colorado. It’s kind of like the feeling of getting new clothes and being excited for them, but finding that they just don’t fit quite yet. You’ll probably grow into them, but for right now…
And oh, my gosh… if I could only tell you how many times I’ve dreamt that we were packing and having to leave our home back in Colorado, over and over again.
Basically, this place isn’t “home” yet. I have no doubt it can become that one day as we make memories and friends, but for right now, we live in what isn’t our “forever home” yet. We go to a church, but we don’t know a single person there. We’re starting to learn where a few places are, but there’s no one there to share them with, and it basically feels like one long vacation of feeling as though you’re just visiting.
You should have seen me the other day watching Inside Out, whose main character Riley also has to deal with a recent move.
The ending scene in that movie… dang it if I didn’t cry over a children’s movie!
But like Riley, I know things will eventually work out. You don’t have to worry about me, because I promise I really will be all right! 🙂 As I said before, there’s just good days and bad days, and I think both are important to feel.
So for today…
I just miss home. I really miss my friends and family. It makes me a little sad.
And I look forward to the day when my definition of home can expand to two states instead of just one.